FROM: buddymillertime@brewers.com
TO: ken.rosenthal@peter.gammons.butt.cx
CC: us.hating.liberal@media.bias.cx
BCC: hahahaah.get.it@butt.cx
SUBJECT: WAHT THE FCUK

would u clowzn thatre sooooooo upset abut things otu of my controll liek RAIN and NUCLAR i mean NUTREAL SITES and CRAPPY BAESBALL TEAM IN WORLD SERSIE SHOCKERS and FARI AND BALANECD FOXXX SPRTSXXX just go stick thier dick in a electric fence with their butss because SHUT UP!!!!1!

nwesflash DEVLPEING — being the boss has got lots of cost like no onelikign you wehen you have to make the touf choices like I did. nd I dont need uggla sideline "reporters" with/ no tits AT ALL saying thing ONE TWO THREE FORU FIVE SIX CHUNG CHUGN about what I had to do fr this bullsith sport.

so in conclusion HA SUCKRE I aint close to gettin this done

first of all everone that looooooooooooooovd the threeinning game conclusoin to this years Worlds Sersie Basebal Classic are out of LUCK because we are nott changin one thng about the game lenghts — like my dad used to say if you cnat handle the belt then stop wettign the bedd every damn nigt THWWAP ow. Every single basebal game primoses NINE FULL NINNINNGS of nonstop action and adventure like a Mathhew Modnine moove. (geeena davis boiioiooing!) nd if you DUMMBIES at the game cd actuall yhold your licker you coud drink for ALLL NINIE INNININGIS like I do evry singl day. (hstiroryians plz note that I am STONE COLD SBOER right now. CAN YOUSMELL WHAT I AM STON COLD STEVE AUSTEN COKKKING yyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYESSSSS)

Part B. whatt teh fkCU is up w/iht everone psssing nad mnnning about playing baseball in winter or fall or whatever? lyou want to play baseball in warm weathers then you gotta either move to the south of American or you gotta GIT ARE DONE with the golbal warmings!! I am not a weatherbell maker typ eof person or something — i just bplay with teh cards that He has dealtheth. AND i cant see how anyone else could win when the y are playingg poker with only THR33 CARSDS WHAT YOU SAID.

second remember whwen I cured histyr of basebal by bangign all steroisds? yeah me and that lon chaney jounir looking guy weth the pig noze. WE FIXED THE WORLSD OF TEROIDS AND BASEBALLL FOPR THE KIDDIESZS. ndn you ungraetful sons of a bitch can’t even rember that far away can yosu/ NOOOO ist all about "gee bud i wish we coudl play less games against Kanssas City and Pitsburgh for your stupid interaluge" or "drafts slotts are stooopid" or "hey bud why is an exhibition game deciding what league has home field advantage shoudn’t that be absed on best record or somethign" and it’s all just lalalalalalala to me because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PANGS

serious tho i am bummed that harry potter guot pushed back until next june wtf! at least we gets VAMPIRES w/t een sx!!! hahaha BUTT.CX!!!!!

so from me to yours and yous,,
COMMISHS BUD R SELIG EEE SSS QQQQQQ!
______________________________

Sent from my iPhone 3G

Heard you missed me — well, I’m back!  Gimme something to f*cking write on, man!

So, yeah, congrats to the motherf*cking Phillies for figuring out the mysteries of indoor f*cking plumbing. I have two words to say about the 2008 World Series: f*ck this sh*t. I’d rather watch Barry HUSSEIN Obama spread the wealth around like pate on a goose liver cracker with his Red socialistic f*ckbuddies than put up with another pisspoor exhibition of this sport that keeps me hat-deep in as much Yuengling and Digiorno’s as a growing boy like me can handle.

That’s why, due to popular demand IN MY F*CKING PANTS, I’m bringing back the Five Tools to count down why this was without a f*cking doubt the saddest World Series of all time. I’m talking sad like beer-goggling chubby-chasing paper-bagging wallet-stealing pimp-meeting stab-wounding bad. In case you’re new to the party, here’s what’s going on.  I’m going to count down the five things that are nipping at my *sshole like flaring hemmorhoids, and you’re going to educate yourself here and here, and then you’re gonna eat a bag of Jeterian herpes and roll your five chins back to the E$PN live chat glory hole you just had your lips around. Better take off your shoes, Jethro, it’s time to start counting!

5) THE COMMISH : I’m cutting out the sh*t and giving you pure nut — Bud F*ckbag Selig is what is wrong with f*cking America. This wall-eyed rat turd does everything he can to f*ck up one of the cushiest gigs in all of the world, and he gets a FOUR YEAR EXTENSION? What the hell would this sh*tsquirt get if he was actually trying to make baseball better, a lifetime deal and Megan Fox’s cell number? Here’s a clue, Bud — if it’s RAINING so hard you can drown Prince Fielder at 2B, and slip & slide to home plate like Rick Dempsey with a pillow down his shorts, then you CALL THE F*CKING GAME. You don’t wait until the road team somehow ties the game and THEN give the go-ahead to roll out the g*ddamn tuna net. I mean if you are so hard up to watch The Hunt For Red October , go down to your local Sanjay Store and buy it with a Coke Slurpee and some 4-day-old burritos for $5.99 you cheap wrinkly sack. I know you’re in the bag for more of that network $$$ and want as many games as you can, but how about you pretend you’re actually aren’t a shysty car salesman anymore, yank that blackhead of a f*cking brain out of your mom’s *ss, and DO THE RIGHT G*DDAMN THING FOR THE GAME OF BASEBALL THAT YOU F*CKING COMMISH OVER. And speaking of screwing the pooch in the wrong hole…

4) FOX SPORTS : Hey Bud I know having enough money to buy and sell as many ten-year-old Thai boys as you can bone is great and all, but how about getting this boy-gash cash from a network that actually gives a flying sh*t about the game they’re paying you to broadcast? I mean, it’s great that Fox Sports does FOOTBALL, but I don’t need to hear about f*cking FOOTBALL during the g*ddamn WORLD F*CKING SERIES! (Do not get me started on that light-loafer Tom Brady b*tch and last year’s Super Bowl OH SH*T YES I SAID SUPER BOWL NOT THE BIG GAME SUE ME YOU NO FUN LEAGUE G*YBOYS.)

I mean, those TBS dicks couldn’t wait to tell me more about good guys being bad guys being good guys and that fat f*ck and his sh*tty impressions between every f*cking pitch (when they actually bothered to show the game ooh how f*cking novel), but at least they pretended to give a cr*p. Joe Buck’s too tired from lifting his Easter-Island-sized d*cknibbler off his bib to bother calling half the sh*t that’s happening (aka HIS F*CKING JOB), which leaves good old Timmy Mac to fill in the gaps with his effluvious and narcolepsy-inducing nutbutter. Yeah that’s right — L-Bow’s got Roget in the motherf*cking house, and all you punguent troglodytes better f*cking make with the astute recognizance! Anyway, f*ck those two clowns with Kevin Kennedy’s acne, I’d rather hear the b*tch that does that b*tch Zelasko’s wig and makeup talk about her welfare check and stretch marks than give two pube clumps like F*ck and McC*cker any more press.

3) THE UMPIRES : Maybe this belongs in this same pile with Bud’s sh*theap, and this all really starts at the top of Selig’s pinhead, but I think the showing by this particular collection of hairless blueballs deserves some extra special attention. I’m sorry, but when did America stop being the place where folks actually worked hard to get to the top? When did it turn into this third-world country where folks get a pass for "doing their best" and are allowed to sh*t all over high-profile events because their number came up? Maybe I’m just retarded or intelligently-challenged, but I’d think it would make sense to get the BEST umpires to supervise what should be the BEST games of the season. Right? Am I huffing paint, or does that actually make f*cking sense? Or maybe I don’t know any better, and it’s in the best interest of the game to have strike zones that resemble pools of diarrhea, and have highlight shows focus on the blown calls that happened every other inning. After all, why have the best in the business do their job when you can have someone else f*cking it up? OK, I get it, it all makes sense now. Thanks for clearing that up for me, severe head trauma!

2) THE TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS : Yeah, that’s right, f*ck their name change. They could hang up locker-room quotes from actually GOOD writers like Mitch Albom and Dan Brown, change their name to the Greater Florida High Society 69ers, get bonafide hotties like S*sha Gr*y and J*nna J*meson to pose for their new logo, and install stripper poles on top of the dugouts, AND have Handjob Humpday specials, and they would still be the same old bunch of no-talent losers that f*ck up every year. That sh*t’s in their DNA like brown eyes and Down’s Syndrome. That they f*cked up in the World Series instead of the regular season just shows how sh*tty expansion and free agency has made baseball. Way to take down the Jizzard of Oz and the "defending World Series champions" on your way to a season-ending choke job, Tampa Bay! You should feel really proud of yourselves for overcoming those unbelievable odds and holding it in as long as you did. I’m sure America appreciates you saving the skidmarks for the World Series.  Have fun finishing in last place next year. AGAIN.

1) THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF MOTHERF*CKING LOS ANGELES NOT A G*DDAMN PENNY-ANTE SUBURB : First things first — I love Joe like I’d love an older, dumber, brain-damaged brother, and I wouldn’t trade anyone on this team for anything (though I’d like to send Andruw Jones to a Jack In The Box that’s serving Mad Cow burgers) (preferably in Taliban Country). But holy sh*t how the hell did we lose to the phucking Phillies? All we had to do is beat up everyone that wasn’t Hamels or Lidge, throw lefties against that phat phuck Howard, and we’re good. What happens? We let a proud graduate of the School of Brad Ausmus Knockoffs like CARLOS F*CKING RUIZ beat us like we’re Mrs. Brett Myers, we let the other Mrs. Brett Myers get almost as many RBIs as runs he gave up, and we let their entire team (including that Pat the Lucky Penthouse-Humping Piece of Fat Sh*t) take us yard. And, really, when that happens, just call it a day. Give up. You don’t deserve the air you get to breathe or the piss that comes out of your colostomy bag.

What a g*ddamn joke. If it wasn’t for Manny Ramirez (and excuse me while I come to terms with actually saying that), we would’ve been swept. And that’s some Grade A bullsh*t, that a team that almost missed the playoffs actually comes in and wins like they did with what they had (which, BTW, was Jack Michael Sh*t). Congrats, Bud. You’ve managed to take the great American pasttime and make it just as sh*tty as football. I hope your leprotic c*ck and your pants zipper have a real nice wardrobe malfunction.

If Los Angeles Dodgers third base coach Larry Bowa has five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, then Los Angeles Dodgers third base coach Larry Bowa has ten dollars.

ED. NOTE: It’s not just the Republican presidential campaign that’s resorting to questionable robocalls!  The following transcripts come from calls that have been reported in MLB cities and their surrounding areas. If you or someone you know has encountered one of these calls, send the transcript to newsflash@jockish.com. If they check out, we’ll post them ASAP!

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Manny Ramirez, because some people want you to think that one of the greatest hitters baseball has ever seen isn’t worth a six-year contract. They want you to forget that Manny Ramirez hit 17 home runs in the final two months of the 2008 season and single-handedly carried the Dodgers into the National League Championship Series on his back.  They want you to ignore his 527 career home runs, his 1725 runs batted in, and his .314 lifetime batting average.  They want to pretend that their team can win a World Series without Manny Ramirez.  Just ask the Boston Red Sox how that’s working out.  This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation."

"How’s it goin’, eh? I’m calling for Eric Gagne, Cy Young Award-winning relief pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers. Might not have been the best year for baseball’s greatest-ever relief pitcher, but the Brewers are dangerously weak in their bullpen, and now is no time to throw Eric Gagne under the bus. Over the course of his career, he has averaged more than one strikeout per inning, and also played a pivotal role in the Boston Red Sox 2007 World Series championship. Solomon Torres, Guillermo Mota, and their bullpen allies might seem like flashy celebrities, but we can’t trust their judgment to keep our two-run leads safe. We need someone who’s been there before, and someone who will probably get back there again. Someone like Eric Gagne. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation and the National Fund for Canadian Baseball."

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of anyone thinking that signing Mark Teixeira to a multi-year contract makes any damn sense.  If you have half a brain, you know that Teixeira is just a one-trick flash in the pan that will never be part of a contending team ever again.  Signing that overrated slugger to a multi-million dollar deal is just flushing money down the toilet, especially in this economic environment.  And you’re a moron if you even try it, so don’t.  I’m warning you. This call was paid for by my dad.  I mean the Steinbrenner Foundation.  Damn it, Hal! What the heck! I told you not to change the script!"

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of starting pitcher Oliver Perez, who’s played a key role in getting the Mets one game away from making the playoffs over the past two years. Oliver Perez is a consistent pitcher with the stuff of an ace and the mindset of a non-roster invitee. When the chips are down, and you need a win, you don’t just want someone that will just keep you in the game. You want someone that’s a little unpredictable. You want someone that will work hard for that win. You want Oliver Perez. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation."

"Hello, Mr. Sullivan or Mr. Leary or whatevah your name is. I’m calling you because the Boston Red Sox ah thinking about not re-signing Jason Veritek next yeah. Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me, deah? It’s Tek! No catchah, from the beginning of time, has evah handled pitching bettah. And he’s come through with some pretty wicked clutch singles for us too. Sure he only hit .220 this yeah, and sure his ahm ain’t as accurate as it used to be. But come on, you really think he’s all ovah? Don’t let a one-yeah dip in productivity turn you into a Tek hatah. They put a C on his unifohm for a reason, chief: Tek is our captain, and he’s a champion, and he’s a catchah the likes of which we will nevah see again. Change might be good in some areas, like with politics or your mom’s undehweah, no sah just kiddin’ — but it just ain’t cool behind the plate. Keep Tek. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation and the Tek Foundation."

"Hello, I’m Cincinnatti Reds broadcaster and Hall of Famer Marty Brennemann, and I want to talk to you about Adam Dunn. If you’re a fan of a team that’s about to sign this fat and lazy one-trick-pony, you should either protest or boycott the team. And if you’re a member of a front office that’s thinking of giving this bag of crap millions of dollars, do us all a favor and go play in a flood. The only thing this idiot can do is hit home runs, and he can’t even do that half the time. Adam Dunn is the main reason the Reds haven’t won a damn thing since 1990, and I will not rest until the rest of the world finally realizes this. If someone sees this walking man-boob out in public, kick him in the balls and tell him Marty says you’re a pile of throw-up. And you bet your ass I approve this message. You god damn hammerdick motherfu-"

As enthused as I am to ride the Tampa Bay bandwagon (which I jumped on LAST YEAR thank you very much, when Carlos Pena and Lil Bossman powered a truly bonkers offense and allowed the Rays to compete in more 11-8 games than should be legally allowed) all the way to their not-so-improbable World Series victory, I have to confess that I’m glad the season’s finally winding down.  I’ll gladly admit that I’m a hopeless contrarian, especially when bucking the norm means I get to (in some small way) flip off infuriating RONG-headed pundits, but the long journey to the post-season means a lot more to me than the month-plus of action that determines who can get to 11 wins first.  I relish the daily grind, the overwhelming amount of baseball of all qualitative stripes that’s played on a daily basis between April 1st and September 30th.  Most folks look at the regular season like it’s merely an audition for the postseason spotlight.  I like to think of the season as the voluminous body of work that, if luck abides, gets a team their shot at a key role in the big-budget Hollywood blockbuster that is the There’s Only One Octoberfest.

In that metaphorically-belabored light, I’m glad that folks outside of the team’s markets and the baseball wonk world will be given a chance to watch folks like Cole Hamels and Chase Utley and the majority of the Tampa Bay roster work the prime-time stage.  It’s a shame that the cross-eyed coverage of MLB by Fox and ESPN means that most "baseball fans" probably know more about Jacoby Ellsbury’s third-favorite gamelan record (ask Cibula) than they know about Dioner Navarro or Shane Victorino, and we’ll instead be subjected to Olympic-like levels of human-interest hyperbole to make up for the lack of attention given to teams outside of large markets and the acknowledged narratives, but that’s the nature of the beast.  Stab it with your steely knives to your heart’s content, but it’s not going to change things one damn bit.  But I digress.  I’d offer my vituperative take on the coverage fans will be subjected to – be it the Zelasko-teased, Buck-tased, and America-blessed Fox broadcast or the  medicated cop / oblivious cop routine that’ll be perpetrated by Miller & Morgan on ESPN Radio – but I started writing this thinking it would be a SHORT post, and that it’d be about the actual 2008 World Series.

This prediction seems to be the go-to pick, but TAMPA BAY IN SIX makes a whole lot of sense, if only because Hamels will start two games, and I don’t see the Rays beating Hamels.  Granted, the Rays did just fine against another top-notch leftie (Jon Lester, lest you forgot already) in their previous series.  But if you’ve watched him manhandle the Brewers and Dodgers this month, you know without a doubt that Jon Lester is no Cole Hamels, and no one on the Rays can (on paper) match Hamels right now.  After that, though, the Phillies are left to hope that Brett Myers continues his Magical Mystery Tour (on the mound and at the plate), and also hope that Joe Blanton and Jamie Moyer keep things close enough to give Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge a chance to make meaningful appearances.  (You’ll forgive me if I harbor some doubt when it comes to the rest of Philadelphia’s bullpen.)  Matching Tampa Bay’s red-hot lineup against the non-Hamels portion of the rotation in Citizens Bank Park promises to make fans in the left and right field bleachers very unhappy.  Give me the depth of Tampa Bay’s rotation over their opponents’ top-heavy staff any day of the week (and I’d make that choice even with the regular season version of Matt Garza as part of the mix, too).

This isn’t to say that the Phillies are going to capitulate to stick-in-the-mud thinkers and start manufacturing outs I mean runs (regardless of how hard Chip Caray wishes) — their four-corners offense (if you count SS and 2B as "corners") is just as potent as the Rays’ frightful foursome of Upton, Longoria, Pena, and Crawford (or Willy Aybar, if you’re feeling frisky, and have a fever for more f-flavored alliteration).  But just as the Rays carefully navigated through the fatty-lined but still fearsome heart of Boston’s lineup and made sure the Kotsay / Varitek tandem in the caboose did squat, so too can they tread lightly around Howard and Burrell and make quick work of Pedro Feliz and Carlos Ruiz (and maybe Eric Bruntlett, assuming he’ll get DH duty whenever Kazmir pitches — Matt Stairs, the better choice for all-around DH duties and not just against righties, won’t be so easy to tame).  Conversely, the Rays losing Aybar or Cliff Floyd for three games stings, but losing their DH won’t be as damaging to them as it would be for other AL teams.  Gentlemen pitchers of Tampa Bay, start your awkward flailing!  I imagine the series moving to an NL park coupled with the Rays’ team speed (both in the field and on the bench — if Crawford doesn’t bankrupt Taco Bell, Fernando Perez will gladly turn that trick) will increase the use of "small ball" terminology during broadcasts by at least a factor of three, and I’d bet the over on that.

The truest advantage Tampa Bay has over Philly is their roster depth (as a behind-the curtain Baseball Prospectus article from yesterday demonstrated via a Rays / Phils mock draft).  Once you get past your Howards and Utleys and Lidges, the Rays’ talent outshines the rest of the Philly roster.  And, as Joe Maddon has shown throughout this season (post and otherwise), he’s as adept as his managerial mentor Manufacturin’ Mike Scoscia in utilizing his bench and bullpen in productive and convention-flaunting ways (cf. folks losing their collective mind when OMG A ROOKIE PITCHER closed out the final game of the ALCS without having been battle-tested in the clutch fires of Mt. Vesuvius or some equally dopey shit).  It’s not often that the sentimental favorite also possesses a tactical advantage, but that’s the case here.  It’s a slight one to be sure, but it’s an advantage all the same.  Any other year, this Phillies team would be the scruffy and underestimated underdog that everyone (including those irrascable Philly fans) would be pulling for.  Too bad for Charlie Manuel that his team is running face-first into a David-sized Goliath.

Since most of you think of me as a basketball personality, you probably think I’m going to talk about the dismissal of my colleague Elgin Baylor from his long-time position as the leader of the Los Angeles Clippers front office. You would be wrong. First of all, the Clippers will always be a joke no matter who they hire, so firing Elgin Baylor is like throwing the Tar Baby into the briar patch. No offense, of course. Also, just as I like to think that I transcend basketball both as a player and as an executive, I want to jump that particular shark and talk about a sports firing that strikes me near and dear to my heart. I am speaking, of course, about the former Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen , since I used to be a player in that city and I have also been fired.

When I think of Matt Millen being forced to step down after eight seasons, I think of my former coach at Indiana University, Bobby Knight , and how he was forced out because of his confrontational personality. Maybe Coach Knight’s chair-throwing and throat-choking and provocative racial confrontations didn’t go over with the play-it-safe types that ran the university. But as a young man, and speaking for most of the young men he coached, he set an example that I am still trying to live up to, even today. He installed in me a code of conduct that I’ve tried to install everywhere I’ve gone, especially when I became the president and coach of the New York Knicks.  And I’d like to think that the results speak for themselves.

Now everyone knows about the FIRE MATT MILLEN rallies and protests that happened because of the Lions’ poor record and lack of playoff success. But you have to really look at what state the team was in before he arrived and after he left to really know how well he did. I think, given the situation, he did his job as well as he could. When Millen arrived on the 2001 scene , he was stuck with an old group of players and without a Hall of Famer like Barry Sanders or (in my case) Reggie Miller. He needed to make some drastic changes in order to compete in the competitive football marketplace. That none of his stars from that team are on the current team says a lot about Millen’s love of change and youth.

Also, he knew exactly what he wanted and he went out and got it, which is something that is very important to understand when you’re in the front office. People that think his drafting of wide receivers in the first round for four out of five years is some kind of weakness doesn’t understand what it’s like in sports. You want to work from a position of strength and depth when you make a team, and there’s no better way to ensure that your team will be strong and deep than to build up at one position. This is the same reason I drafted both Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady despite them being the same position and being cousins that held major grudges against each other. It is also why I traded for Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph despite both having reputations for being selfish players and never taking home leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory . I knew what I wanted, and I got what I wanted. After you do your job of acquiring players, it’s out of your hands (even if you’re the head coach), and it’s up to the players to figure out what they want. Blaming Matt Millen because the players he drafted didn’t want it bad enough is like blaming a butterfly in Africa for causing Hurricane Katrina.

In a lot of ways, Matt Millen was a "maverick" of the NFL, just as John McCain and Sarah Palin are "mavericks" in the presidential election happening in November. If Millen was just another front office suit, he would follow the same winning blueprint that everyone else tries to follow. Instead, Millen followed his own path, and as they say in poetry, it made all the difference in the world. Sometimes, results aren’t as important in staying true to what you believe in. When I purchased the Continental Basketball Association for $5 million, I rejected the NBA’s offer to purchase the league for $11 million because I stayed true to what I believe in. And even though the league collapsed and became bankrupt, I stayed with those beliefs as long as I could. After all, both Matt and I wouldn’t be where we are today if we decided to stop following our hearts and what we believed.

In the end, I think that Matt Millen’s worst enemy was not the fans but the media. After all, the Ford family were on the record numerous times saying that Millen was doing a great job running the Lions, and who would know better what’s working than the owners? I think the national media saw an opportunity, with the Lions’ 0-4 start, to flex their muscle and force the ownership to make a change they didn’t want to make. And it’s a shame. Right now, the Lions team has a young nucleus of wide receivers, and an underrated quarterback in John Kitna, and a defense that allows less than 32 points per game. They are sure to win lots of games sometime in the near future. And when that happens, I hope that all you fans out there that wanted Matt Millen fired remember to thank the man that made it all possible.

The first round draft picks former New York Knicks President of Basketball Operations Isiah Thomas gave up as part of the Eddy Curry trade were used to select LaMarcus Aldridge and Joakim Noah.

ED. NOTE: Yes, this was supposed to get posted BEFORE yesterday’s 2-0 Boston win, not after.  Still, the majority of this was written prior to gametime, and were it not for the allure of larb gai and competent horror movie remakes after a rather crappy work week, it would have been posted without any knowledge of what was happening in Tampa. Please join me in pretending this is a legitimate series preview.

Not a dream! Not a hoax! Not a stunt pick!  Not an attempt to reverse jinx!  TAMPA BAY IN SEVEN!  Simply put, I put as much stock into their youth and inexperience being a detriment as I do in an investment opportunity e-mail from an African sovereignty.  The god-fearing Rays have it going on.  They’re multifaceted (like Boston), they have a deep and flexible roster (like Boston), and they’re not nursing injuries (not like Boston).  God bless Tito, though, for trusting his depth, as it’s what got the Red Sox to the ALCS.  Watching Mike Lowell gut it out on the field and at the plate was hard to watch; watching Mark Kotsay field first base like it was center field was a lot easier on the eyes.  That said, it’s the injury to Josh Beckett that’s more worrisome.  It’s presumptuous to assume that a healthy Beckett would have won Game 3 (and he almost won it pitching like a guy that shouldn’t have been pitching), but a three-game sweep would have the Red Sox in a stronger position going into the ALCS — Lester starting Game One, Dice-K pitching on more rest, Beckett benefiting from lazy writers cutting and pasting their “playoff god” boilerplate into their columns, and so on.

More importantly, concerning the actual series, if he offers Tampa Bay the same junk he gave the Angels, the Rays are going to be scoring more than four runs off him.  While TBA doesn’t have the offensive marquee guys that the Angels did with Vlad and Teixeira, they make up for it with a line-up chock full of quality hitters.  There’s a case (albeit a weak one) to be made for Carl Crawford actually being (as of right now) their worst hitter, especially if you buy into the line of BS Harold Reynolds tried to sell during the ALDS regarding Akinori Iwamura (he of the .380 SLG) being a Boggs / Ichrio type that chooses not to hit homers.  Because, you know, hitting homers doesn’t help your team, especially when you’re a leadoff hitter.  (Rickey is turning over in his Craftmatic adjustable bed right now.)  For Lester’s starts, RF Gabe Gross and DH Cliff Floyd will be replaced with Rocco Baldelli and Willy Aybar, without any significant drop-off in production.  LHP has been Pena’s kryptonite this year, but it’s doubtful Maddon will upset his lineup’s feng shui by dropping him down in the order.  And it’s fair to say that Longoria and Upton (who remember that he can hit homers) should pick up whatever slack there is, should Lester prove to be somewhat mortal.  As for Boston’s offense, enough ink has been spilled about their machine-like prolificy and the career years of Pedroia and Youkilis, but with three of the four TBA starters being righties it would behoove J.D. Drew and David Ortiz to continue (or start) doing their thing.

This isn’t to say Boston will be a slouch in the run-scoring department — over the last month of the season (and even in his ALDS start), Scott Kazmir has been pitching less like himself and more like Daisuke Matzusaka, sometimes without Dice-K’s unerring ability to squirm out of trouble.  And Boston’s as good as anyone at taking advantage of a pitcher’s off nights, as Kazmir’s 2008 performance against Boston — 24 hits and 14 BBs in 18 innings! — ably demonstrates.  James Shields didn’t fare much better against Boston, what with 13 runs scored during his 20 innings against the Red Sox.  Oddly enough, those that put any weight into head-to-head performances (and 13 scoreless innings) should expect the Rays’ ace this series to be their 4th starter in this series, Andy Sonnanstine.

Also something to consider, regarding the nip-and-tuck nature of the Rays / Red Sox season series (which Tampa Bay won 10-8) — new roster addition Edwin Jackson actually started FOUR of the eighteen games, and earned three losses (thanks to a sparking 5.48 ERA, and a whopping 37 baserunners in 23 innings).  I imagine Jackson’s presence on the roster will only be noticed during damage-control situations.  The same, I hope, goes for the newest old Sox face on the roster, Mike Timlin, the proud bearer of two extra-inning losses to these Rays.  That’s two of the bullpen’s losses in the series, endemic of the willies the non-Pap portion of the Sox pen has given fans all this year.  They acquitted themselves well against the Angels (despite blowing the lead in Game 4), but those halcyon days of the no-joke Oki-Doke are long gone.  Tito’s been leaning on Justin Masterson as his bridge to Papelbon, with Okajima joining Manny Delcarmen in bridging that gap, should a starter not get through 7 successfully.  Still, fans would be lying if they said they didn’t watch the journey to Papelbon without crossing a few fingers and giving the man upstairs a buzz.

The bullpen on Tampa Bay’s side, on the other hand, doesn’t inspire nearly as much hand-mangling, especially now that nominal closer Troy Percival is out.  Maddon rode the three headed monster of J.P. Howell, Grant Balfour, and Chad Bradford into the ALCS, with newly annointed closer Dan Wheeler giving up the pen’s only run against the under-powered White Sox.  They’re not as likely to get away scott-free against the AL’s second-best offense, but if a starter falters, having ace-in-training David Price available for an inning or three is a nice option.  And if it comes down to Price against slop-meisters Paul Byrd or Tim Wakefield in an extra inning affair, I have to like the Rays’ chances.  It’s in those late-and-close moments where the depth of Tampa Bay’s bullpen gives them the advantage (and possibly that 4th win).

But that advantage could vanish if Kazmir loses control of the strike zone, or if Shields hangs one too many change-ups, or if Sonnanstine’s stuff meets the meaty part of too many bats.  And what if the unBeckettlike Beckett screws the pooch in Game 2, or Lester somehow has an off night, or Dice-K does what he usually does (ED. NOTE: or the complete opposite of what he did in Game One)?  I might be stealing this rhetorical what-iffing from Matt’s ALDS write-up, but it’s a credit to the quality of both these teams that victory will probably come down to who blinks first.  In terms of run scoring and run prevention, the Red Sox have been one of the league’s best teams,  And the Tampa Bay Rays beat them in their 18-game season series, and won the division.  Folks might see a young upstart playing well over their heads against a burgeoning dynasty.  I see a young upstart team hitting puberty earlier than expected, and proving their manhood against a team that’s been their overbearing daddy for all of their life.  And I’m hoping for seven games that show Major League Baseball at its finest.

Training camp! Pre-season games! Underperforming third-year players with stress fractures of their 5th metatarsals! Yes, it’s time for another year of the National Basketball Association, the greatest professional sports league in the history of humankind, except maybe for the CBA when I was coaching there.

But, of course, just because the NBA is a great league doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me sick every single day of my life. Every single team has glaring holes, fatal weaknesses, overrated superstars, inadequate role players, soft-serve bench space-wasters, village-idiot coaches and GMs, and know-nothing front-running fans. Looking over these dumb bunnies and weak weenies, I don’t honestly know why I still care. I guess I still remember a golden age, when players were as tough as old condoms and twice as useful.

Anyway, let’s run down this year’s teams…with a bus. The question on the board is: How will each team disappoint me this year? My extreme contempt for all of them limits me to only 10 words per franchise.

Atlanta: Too many youngsters, soft at point, the league’s worst fans.

Boston: Undeserved title plus Allen’s decline minus Posey spells Beantown disaster.

Charlotte: No defense, no offense, cancerous coach, ugly uniforms, boring town.

Chicago: Red and black? Ha ha. More like pink and pink.

Cleveland: LeBron’s greatness suspect until his fingers flash NBA gold. Capish?

Dallas: Lots of points and “fun,” but no heart, fewer balls.

Denver: No problem: Overhyped Camby’s loss. Big problem: all the rest.

Detroit: Michael Curry seems nice but he is no Phil Jackson.

Golden State: Teams that play no D make me puke up bile.

Houston: Last year’s streak a fluke; regression to the mean awaits.

Indiana: Danny Granger doesn’t blow goats. The jury’s out everywhere else.

LA Clippers: With Elgin’s departure, there is nothing left. Even you, Baron.

LA Lakers: Greatest franchise, greatest coach. Too bad Kobe’s a dickbag douchesmoker.

Memphis: Typing ten words here is a waste of time.

Miami: Dwyane Wade, Shawn Marion? Your 15 minutes are both up.

Milwaukee: Skiles? Tough. His players? Hard as wheels of warm brie.

Minnesota: Don’t be fooled by Love — there is exactly nothing here.

New Jersey: Vince Carter personally offends me. Actually, everything personally offends me.

New Orleans: Last year they were sleepers; this year, we’re all awake.

New York: They won’t let me curse on this family-oriented sports website.

Oklahoma City: Seattle’s loss is actually Seattle’s gain, because this team’s horrible.

Orlando: Howard’s Olympic defense: a national (team) disgrace. Spinning Magic wheels.

Philadelphia: Smart moves, re-energized players and fans. I smell injury troubles.

Phoenix: Terry Porter deserves a better comeback chance than this. *ralphs*

Portland: Sit down, Paul Allen — Baby Blazers just learning to crawl.

Sacramento: Nowhere to go but up? Watch this year and weep.

San Antonio: Never count them out, but don’t bother counting them in.

Toronto: Whoa: Jermaine O’Neal, Basketball Savior! (That was irony, people. Seriously.)

Utah: Tough year for Mormons: first Mitt’s flameout, now the Jazz.

Washington: With or without their Agent, the Wizards are still Zero.

Charley Rosen was once the head coach of the Rockford Lightning. He writes for Fox Sports, natch, and he has written fourteen books about Phil Jackson.

There is no experience more humbling than to be proven irrevocably and irrefutably wrong, to have your strong convictions and unflinching opinions fly right back into your face like so much fart stink.  Were I more superstitious, I would have realized that trying to make an iron-clad case for the misbegotten luck-fearing Cubs sweeping the Dodgers was in fact asking for the exact opposite to happen.  So if anyone would care to make me out to be the new Steve Bartman, feel free — I could use the publicity.

That said, the Cubs were the architects of their own demise.  From the Ryan Dempster walk clinic in Game 1, to the homage to the 2007 Tampa Ray defense in Game 2, to Lou Piniella’s odd handling of Kosuke Fukudome, their defeat was as much a testament to their own ineptitude as to the Dodgers’ undeniable excellence.  LA took advantage of every screw-up the Cubs offered, and even cashed in on a few opportunities that they made for themselves.  And they did so with Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp getting only 3 combined hits.  But the Dodgers can survive that sort of offensive outage when Rafael Furcal gets on base almost once every two plate appearances, and Manny Ramirez gets a hit ever other at-bat.  The offensive contributions of Ramirez, Casey Blake and Furcal (replacing the Pierre / Jones debacle, Jeff Kent, and Angel Berroa, respectively) can’t be overstated.

A team with the line-up the Dodgers fielded during the NLDS — featuring a rested Russell Martin, and a less noxious Blake Dewitt (whose offensive shortcomings are more tolerable @ 2B) — is much better than the 84-win squad that stumbled into the postseason.   Coupled with a starting staff that averaged 6 innings a start and allowed no more than 2 earned runs to the highest-scoring team in baseball, and a bullpen the likes of which makes the other LA team jealous, and it’s not hard to envision this once seemingly slapdash mix of young turks and old turkeys making the Steinbrenners very very upset.  They can even withstand the loss (again) of Takashi Saito, as long as the dings and scrapes of potential roster replacement Hong Chih-Kuo (who pitched nearly as well as Saito did) don’t lead to the sort of outing Saito had against the Cubs.

Though the Phillies had to play one more game to dispatch the Brewers, their road to the NLCS was somewhat similar to the Dodgers’ — the Brewers made mistakes (in the field, and in the strike zone), and the Phillies continually capitalized.  And their pitching staff (aside from the Game 3 hiccup, if 4 runs allowed qualifies as such) made it so those Brewer-aided runs held up.  And they did so with two of their stars — Howard and Utley — declining to join the party.  Maybe if Dale Sveum thought a little more outside the box (for instance, giving Gallardo the Game 4 start on 3 days’ rest instead of Jeff Suppan; Gallardo ended up pitching 4 innings anyway), the Brewers could have upset the better team, but it would’ve required the Brewers hitters figuring out someone besides Jamie Moyer and Scott Eyre.   Corey Hart’s adventures at the plate and on the basepaths epitomized the Brewers’ offensive futilities — he threw away at-bats flailing at early-count pitches (including a horrible first-pitch 1-2-3 DP after Myers walked in a run), and even got himself thrown out at first after making too wide a turn on a single.  “Yakety Sax” would have been too austere a selection to soundtrack his, and his team’s, blunders.  (No “Never Surrender” jokes, please.)

It’s in those blunders where the difference between the fate of the Phillies and Dodgers in this series lie.  Outside from Suppan’s woeful pitch location in the final game, the Phillies’ run-scoring opportunities were very infrequent (thanks in large part to Utley and Howard struggling).  It’s safe to say that a Dodger staff pitching at their best, or even their above-averagest, won’t be as accommodating, even though the Phillies lean more to the left than the Cubs did.  And never mind the defense — the outfield might be anti-death to balls in the gap (even with Manny’s newfound love of obvious hustle), but their infield is less likely to mistake the baseball for a hot potato than Milwaukee’s.  The best chances for the Phillies to wreak havoc offensively will be in Game 4, irregardless of whether Greg Maddux or the teammate that’s more than half his age, Clayton Kershaw, takes the mound.  Or if the walk-happy Chad Billingsley decides to make an appearance, like he did against Philadelphia on August 25th (allowing TWELVE baserunners, but only 3 runs, in 6 innings).

The fact that Philly did face the new-look Dodgers could be a plus in their pocket, but it won’t make life any easier for the non-Hamels portion of their rotation.  There but for the grace of Corey Hart went Brett Myers’ NLDS start, and both Moyer’s and Blanton’s pitch-to-not-K tendencies might not work so well against a balanced and robust lineup firing on all cylinders.  Both pitchers have BAA numbers 30 points higher against righties (even with Blanton being a rightie), which surely gives you-know-who (along with maybe Martin and Kemp) some sweet dreams.  Hell, Blanton’s season line against RHP — .286 / .355 / .444 — looks like Shane Victorino’s! And even with the Phillie bullpen having as great a year as it’s had, Charlie Manuel could undercut all those fuzzy feelings with just a few ill-timed brain farts — fans better hope he doesn’t let Scott Eyre pitch to ANY righties like he did in the Phillies’ only loss last round.  As for LA, maybe the arms of Broxton or Wade will resemble rancid cream cheese after a few more years under Torre’s tutilage, but I don’t think he could screw up this pen if he actively tried.

Just like the Philadelphia victory comes off as a poor man’s version of LA’s dominance over Chicago, so does the Phillie roster look like a slightly thinner mirror image of LA’s depth and strength.  I could outthink myself and go against my impulses and then second-guess my second-guess, but I’m no George Costanza.  The Phillies might make some hay on a starter’s off night and could also take advantage of Hamels against Lowe at least once, but with the Cubs dispatched, the Dodgers look like the NL’s best team, and the Phillies just can’t match up.  DODGERS IN SIX, with the hope that Jose Lima (preferably with the missus) sings the National Anthem before the deciding game.  Hate mail, horse heads, andpipe bombs to the usual location, please and thank you.

(Hey, did I also mention that I thought the Phillie pinstripes were pink?  I should really start working on that ESPN audition tape.)

Hey sports fans! This is New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter coming to you “live” from this blog to talk to you about the baseball playoffs. Being a member of the Yankees when I’ve been I have a unique perspective on the playoffs. You see this is the first year since I made the Yankees as a rookie that I’m not in the playoffs. And on one hand it’s upsetting to not be able to bring another World Series championship back to The City That Never Sleeps. On the other hand it’s great to have all this free time in October! Finally! No but seriously I mean it.  Especially when you get to be my age. With all the effort I put into making myself one of the best shortstops in baseball it’s hard to squeeze in “me” time after the final out is put away. What with all the endorsements I got going on like my cologne Derek Jeter’s Driven and the G2 sports drink and replacing that soccer player in the Gillette commercials or my role as a Ford or Chevy spokesperson (sorry but I always get those things confused). On top of being one of the most recognizable faces in all of sports which I don’t mind at all but still. But this year with the team finishing just outside of the playoffs I’m stuck with a whole lot of nothing to do! Except watch some baseball! which is what I did. And here’s what I found out.

First: I didn’t know the games are this long! On behalf of the New York Yankees and all of baseball, I’m so sorry!  It’s one thing to be in the middle of the field during a game and actually be a part of the action. It’s another to be sitting at home with a few teammates and some lovely ladies and watch how slow baseball actually is! It got so bad at one point that I was able to watch TWO episodes of Entourage during one inning of that extra-inning Angels Red Sox game. I’m sorry, but that’s not baseball. That’s like watching grass grow during winter! Seriously! By the way everyone that hasn’t seen Entourage should see it right now. Vinnie Chase is one of the greatest characters to ever be created for a TV show, and they also break a lot of gay stereotypes with Lloyd and Eric. Plus it’s got lots of hot women throughout the show. And it’s funny as heck! I may not be a TV critic or anything, but I know what I like, and I like Entourage. And by the way it looks like this new Frank TV show about George W. Bush might be just as funny, if not more so!

Second: Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Rays for their first appearance in the ALCS, but I gotta say I’m still not all that impressed. This isn’t to say that you should wonder about what they accomplished. Going last to first is a hard thing to do especially when you’re doing it for the first time. But it’s even harder to win in the playoffs. Just look at the Yankees. In all honesty I think we should have won more World Series titles, and if it weren’t for a few bounces here and there, we would have won more. And I’m talking about a team that’s loaded with veterans that have been in trenches like Paul O’Neill and Tino Martinez. Playing young guys like Evan Longoria and BJ Upton might get you wins in the regular season, but if there’s anything I learned in all my years of baseball, it’s that the regular season is not the post-season. You need guys that can drive in runs in the clutch, guys that can manufacture runs, guys that get their hits when it matters and not in the 9th inning of an elimination game. And you need guys with experience. You ask me, I’ll take Scott Brosius nine times out of ten and I’ll take Charlie Hayes on the tenth. It’s like that old joke about how you need a job to get experience but to get experience you need a job. You can’t do both at the same time!  It just doesn’t make sense! And I think Tampa Bay is going to learn that lesson the hard way next round.

Third: I don’t know all that much about National League ball, but I do know that despite the differences anyone that can play in the NL can play in the AL. I saw it on my own team this year with Bobby Abreu and Xavier Nady.  And Manny Ramirez is also total proof of this with what he’s done to the NL this year. He’s hitting like I’ve never seen before and I’ve seen Manny hit a lot! And it’s not just the hitting. He’s playing the game like it should be played, with a lot of hustle and energy. He’s always been a guy that liked the spotlight, and I guess being close to Hollywood made him rise to the occasion. The same goes for CC Sabathia. Even if he didn’t pitch well in the NLDS against Philly he was the main reason that the Brewers even had a shot to play Philly. His pitching of all those complete games on 3 days rest was like watching a pitcher from the 1960s come back to life and showing folks how it’s done. Sometimes I wish I played in the 1960s so I could play baseball like that.  But hey you can’t be unhappy with four World Series rings right?  I mean I’m playing with some guys that don’t even have one!  That’s gotta be hard.  Anyway Manny and CC are players that I’ve always had a huge amount of respect for, even when we’ve been facing off head-to-head in key playoff battles. I always admired the way they carried themselves especially when coming to New York which everyone knows is a pressure cooker.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one in New York that feels the same way.  Not that I’m trying to drop any hints!

Fourth: you know I just realized that Manny could end up playing against Boston, the team that traded him just a few months ago! You can’t write a script like that even if you tried! I’m sure baseball fans all over the world are looking forward to that sort of match-up and all the playoff drama it will bring.  That’s the great thing about baseball as Yankees radio announcer John Sterling says.  You just can’t figure it out!  I mean who would’ve guessed that a team like the Yankees had this year would end up having a lot of their veteran players spending lots of time on the disabled list?  And don’t get me started on pitchers getting hurt.  If we stayed healthy and produced, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be writing this right now, which is sad but that’s life right?  It’s just amazing how anything can and will happen when you play baseball.  Just like life!  It’s why I love this sport, and it’s why I love New York City.

So anyway that’s all I have to say about this round of the baseball playoffs.  Maybe I’ll see you guys next time after the League Championship Series.  Or maybe I’ll see you guys out on the town when I’m out clubbing with my girl or girls!  Just kidding I’ll see you right here!  Peace!

In December 2007, Derek Jeter was inducted into the Kalamazoo Central High School Athletic Hall of Fame.

I would describe myself as a pretty normal guy. I like to eat good food, but I’m just as happy drinking a beer or eating donuts; I like to go on long-distance runs, and I’ve even run a few triathlons, but I don’t devote my whole life to exercise; I like to write internationally acclaimed novels and short stories, but I don’t go around bragging about it or anything. And I like baseball, more as an outsider than as a fan. I guess if I liked any team, it’s the Chicago Cubs, but only because I profiled them at the beginning of the year.

So they made it to the playoffs this year. They won almost 100 games — 97, to be exact — and won their division handily, although this was more because Milwaukee stunk for the last month of the season than because the Cubs are the greatest team of all time, the way some people think. (Especially when those people can’t even spell the name "Sabathia" correctly.)

But their season is over, as quickly as a smile from a teenage girl who happens to live near you and seems to want to flirt with you but mostly her banter is just the means to an end towards surreal self-discovery. It was just that quick. One minute you’re leading the league and all your radio hosts are bragging about how liberating it will be to finally break the curse, how all true baseball fans not just in your city but all over the U.S.A. will be rooting for your team after 100 years of futility — and the next you’re on a subdued plane ride back to Chicago to clean out your locker for the year.

There is no denying that the Cubs are a great team. They have very good hitters, a few very good pitchers, and a manager who seems to know what he is doing in most cases, although I guess some people will wonder why he decided to change up the batting order and do things for the very first time in the playoffs. So on one level it is kind of silly to talk about this year being a failure. On the other hand, in baseball any year that you don’t win the World Series is a failure; it seems an unrealistic standard to me, but that’s baseball for you.

So really, if you think about it, the Cubs are really no different from any other team except whichever team wins. Then again, of course, not every team spends $118.595 million to fail. That’s almost $40 million more than Milwaukee Brewers, another of this year’s failures, and almost three times more than the Tampa Bay Rays. When you spend $118.595 million, I guess you expect better than a three-game flameout in the playoffs. I sure would.

This all reminds me of a thing that happened when I was running my jazz bar in Tokyo. I spent a lot of money to hire a well-known jazz singer to work three nights in the club. She did not even come the first night, and I had to give everyone their money back. The second night, she finally showed up, but she was so drunk that she butchered every song and stumbled offstage after only about 45 minutes. On the third night, she would not come out of her dressing room, which was locked on the inside and had no windows or other doors. When I unlocked the door and walked in, she had disappeared. After I locked the club for the night and was heading home, I saw her wandering around the streets with no clothes on. I pulled over, picked her up, and drove her home. Once we got to her hotel, I walked her inside and she said goodnight. I never saw her again. Okay, I guess that story didn’t have much to do with the events in this story.

What is next for the Cubs? Well, they have some things to think about. Do they get rid of Theriot and Fontenot and bring in some left-handed bats? Do they let their team, and dear old Wrigley Field, be taken over by this or by that group of fat-cat big-money guys?

I don’t know. Why should I? I’m no baseball expert. All I want to do is write my books, do a lot of long-distance running, listen to the Beatles and Mozart, and keep my nose clean so I can win the Nobel Prize in 10 years or so. Maybe by then the Cubs will have won the World Series. Otherwise that would just be too depressing.

Haruki Murakami has written a whole heap of books. He recently moved back to Tokyo, Japan, after a lengthy stay in the U.S.