AJ Pierzynski: Most Valuable Cheater

I guess I should congratulate the Black Sox for overcoming an eighty-whatever-year World Series drought by beating up on weaker and/or injured teams and playing the umps the way Matthew Broderick played Global Thermonuclear War. But the heck with that stuff. The Black Sox are nothing but a bunch of no-talent, loudmouth, stupid cheaters, and none’s more bigger than the biggest cheater of all, stupid jerk AJ Pierzynski.

I mean, really – what kind of a world is it where all-time great guys like Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell are left all sad and lonely holding the bouquet while that raving penis Pierzynski gets to beat his chest and scratch his crotch like he’s something special? I know nice guys finish last, but does that have to mean the real jerks finish first? Is it really worth all that payola, Mr. Umpires, to just give the Black Sox every chance in the world to win? Is it?

And it’s not like AJ’s jerkness is a new thing. He’s been a big raging no-talent penis since he got birthed! What’s up with this?

Pierzynski once offended the opposing coach in a high school playoff game by flipping his bat to the side and watching one of his home runs while he stood at the plate. During a recruiting trip to the University of Tennessee, he angered Volunteers fans by cheering for University of Florida highlights on the scoreboard.

I mean, if this was Manny Ramirez, or Junior Griffey, or Barry, I can understand that – they’re good, they can showboat a little. But AJ Pierzynski? The guy can’t even get girls to talk to him unless they’re really drunk and loose! And he can’t even get on base unless he pays off a stupid umpire! What the heck is he doing showboating like that? What a jerk!

And everyone knows about what happened when he was with the Giants – how he blew off a really important scouting meeting to play cards. What the heck was up with that move? I mean, way to put your best foot forward with your new team, guy! I was new, too, but did you see me acting like some stupid jerk? Heck no! Hey, AJ, in case it’s not in your How To Be A Jerk manual, baseball is a team game – maybe pretend you’re part of the team? And then he goes and puts a bounty on my head in Spring Training this year after the Giants let him go for being a big waste of crap. And THEN he decides to start playing. Riiiight.

You know why AJ didn’t do well in San Francisco? Because Felipe wasn’t going to have any part of his cheating. You know how many times he’d go to the mound and try to give a pitcher some sandpaper or try and scuff up the ball or slip some greenies into the pitcher’s glove? Lots of times! I can’t even count that high, he did it so much! He never tried that stuff with me, though, because I had some morals, and so did the rest of the team. We told him where to stick those performance enhancing things! We pitched well because we were great pitchers, not because we cheated!

But look how well the Black Sox pitched! Don’t tell me they weren’t cheating! They totally suck! Jose Contreras? That guy’s old enough to be my dad! Jon Garland? Come on! Like it’s totally believable that such a bad young pitcher can “turn it around” and “figure it out” all of a sudden. Whoever heard of Bobby Jenks or Cliff Pollite or Neal Cotts before this year? No one, that’s who! And what was up with El Duque getting out of those jams in the playoffs? I’ll tell you what was up – he was cheating, that’s what!

And don’t think AJ didn’t have anything to do with the hitters, because I know he did! Scott Podsednik doesn’t homer all season, and then all of a sudden hits TWO homers in the post-season? And Geoff Blum? Who the heck is Geoff Blum? I’ll tell you who he is – he’s someone that used AJ’s “special batting practice bat” to destroy the hopes and dreams of a real baseball team with real players and real talent. And don’t think he didn’t do that before – look at how great Christian Guzman & Luis Rivas were when AJ was in Minnesota, and look where they are now. Heck, Luis isn’t even in the Major Leagues any more! Way to go, AJ!

For shame, Ozzie Guillen! For shame! It’s bad enough you fell for the hidden ball trick so many times as a player – that doesn’t make it right to cheat to win, and you know it! You should retire now, like yesterday! Because the guilt of this year’s ill-gotten World Series victory is going to eat at you like the Tell-Tale Heart ate at the conscience of that guy that killed the guy with the Tell-Tale Heart! And you know it!

Tonight, while stupid people in Chicago root and riot and get drunk on really bad beer, I’m sad. Not only for the Astros, or the Angels, or the Red Sox, but for baseball fans, and baseball. This year was a big fat unfunny joke, and that a joke of a team of no-talent stupid cheaters like the 2005 Chicago Black Sox won the World Series just shows how sad and unfunny and stupid this year has been.

Enjoy your cheaters while you can, Chicago!

Brett Tomko is a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants.