Hot Stove Robocalls!

ED. NOTE: It’s not just the Republican presidential campaign that’s resorting to questionable robocalls!  The following transcripts come from calls that have been reported in MLB cities and their surrounding areas. If you or someone you know has encountered one of these calls, send the transcript to newsflash@jockish.com. If they check out, we’ll post them ASAP!

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Manny Ramirez, because some people want you to think that one of the greatest hitters baseball has ever seen isn’t worth a six-year contract. They want you to forget that Manny Ramirez hit 17 home runs in the final two months of the 2008 season and single-handedly carried the Dodgers into the National League Championship Series on his back.  They want you to ignore his 527 career home runs, his 1725 runs batted in, and his .314 lifetime batting average.  They want to pretend that their team can win a World Series without Manny Ramirez.  Just ask the Boston Red Sox how that’s working out.  This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation."

"How’s it goin’, eh? I’m calling for Eric Gagne, Cy Young Award-winning relief pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers. Might not have been the best year for baseball’s greatest-ever relief pitcher, but the Brewers are dangerously weak in their bullpen, and now is no time to throw Eric Gagne under the bus. Over the course of his career, he has averaged more than one strikeout per inning, and also played a pivotal role in the Boston Red Sox 2007 World Series championship. Solomon Torres, Guillermo Mota, and their bullpen allies might seem like flashy celebrities, but we can’t trust their judgment to keep our two-run leads safe. We need someone who’s been there before, and someone who will probably get back there again. Someone like Eric Gagne. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation and the National Fund for Canadian Baseball."

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of anyone thinking that signing Mark Teixeira to a multi-year contract makes any damn sense.  If you have half a brain, you know that Teixeira is just a one-trick flash in the pan that will never be part of a contending team ever again.  Signing that overrated slugger to a multi-million dollar deal is just flushing money down the toilet, especially in this economic environment.  And you’re a moron if you even try it, so don’t.  I’m warning you. This call was paid for by my dad.  I mean the Steinbrenner Foundation.  Damn it, Hal! What the heck! I told you not to change the script!"

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of starting pitcher Oliver Perez, who’s played a key role in getting the Mets one game away from making the playoffs over the past two years. Oliver Perez is a consistent pitcher with the stuff of an ace and the mindset of a non-roster invitee. When the chips are down, and you need a win, you don’t just want someone that will just keep you in the game. You want someone that’s a little unpredictable. You want someone that will work hard for that win. You want Oliver Perez. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation."

"Hello, Mr. Sullivan or Mr. Leary or whatevah your name is. I’m calling you because the Boston Red Sox ah thinking about not re-signing Jason Veritek next yeah. Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me, deah? It’s Tek! No catchah, from the beginning of time, has evah handled pitching bettah. And he’s come through with some pretty wicked clutch singles for us too. Sure he only hit .220 this yeah, and sure his ahm ain’t as accurate as it used to be. But come on, you really think he’s all ovah? Don’t let a one-yeah dip in productivity turn you into a Tek hatah. They put a C on his unifohm for a reason, chief: Tek is our captain, and he’s a champion, and he’s a catchah the likes of which we will nevah see again. Change might be good in some areas, like with politics or your mom’s undehweah, no sah just kiddin’ — but it just ain’t cool behind the plate. Keep Tek. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation and the Tek Foundation."

"Hello, I’m Cincinnatti Reds broadcaster and Hall of Famer Marty Brennemann, and I want to talk to you about Adam Dunn. If you’re a fan of a team that’s about to sign this fat and lazy one-trick-pony, you should either protest or boycott the team. And if you’re a member of a front office that’s thinking of giving this bag of crap millions of dollars, do us all a favor and go play in a flood. The only thing this idiot can do is hit home runs, and he can’t even do that half the time. Adam Dunn is the main reason the Reds haven’t won a damn thing since 1990, and I will not rest until the rest of the world finally realizes this. If someone sees this walking man-boob out in public, kick him in the balls and tell him Marty says you’re a pile of throw-up. And you bet your ass I approve this message. You god damn hammerdick motherfu-"